Shame is a Powerful Ugly Emotion

Unveiling the Depths of ADHD Shame

 

Shame is a powerful ugly emotion, most people with ADHD have. Shame is often lurking in the shadows of our consciousness, rarely acknowledged yet profoundly impactful on our lives. It’s the silent force that drives us to hide our perceived flaws, to deny our shortcomings, and to feel unworthy of love and acceptance. While many may attribute their feelings of shame to other emotions like depression or anxiety, its essence remains unchanged, silently shaping our beliefs and behaviors.

The journey through shame is one fraught with complexity and nuance. It’s not just a fleeting feeling; it’s a deeply rooted belief system that whispers destructive messages to our psyche. It’s the chronic under-earning, the self-sabotage, the perpetual victimhood—symptoms of a toxic shame that silently governs our lives.

The term "ADHD shame spiral" encapsulates the intensity of this emotion. It’s a whirlwind of self-doubt, self-criticism, and self-condemnation—a relentless cycle that seems impossible to break free from. And yet, despite its overwhelming presence, shame remains one of the least discussed emotions, hidden beneath layers of societal stigma and personal embarrassment.

But what is shame, really? It’s more than just a feeling; it’s a moral or social emotion that drives us to hide our perceived wrongdoings. It’s the feeling of deficiency, unworthiness, and self-loathing that consumes us from within. It isolates us from others and from ourselves, trapping us in a prison of self-deprecation and inner anguish.

When we experience shame, our focus turns inward, magnifying our perceived flaws and shortcomings. We feel exposed, vulnerable, and unworthy of love and acceptance. It’s a painful acknowledgment of our failures, a self-imposed punishment for not meeting our own expectations or the expectations of others.

For me, shame feels like a constant companion, a shadow that follows me wherever I go. It’s the nagging voice in the back of my mind, reminding me of all the ways I’ve fallen short, all the ways I’m not good enough. It’s the weight of expectations left unmet, the fear of judgment from others, and the relentless pressure to be perfect.

But despite its suffocating presence, there is hope. Overcoming shame requires courage, compassion, and self-awareness. It’s about surrounding ourselves with people who uplift and support us, who remind us of our inherent worthiness and value. It’s about challenging the toxic beliefs that shame perpetuates and replacing them with self-love and acceptance.

One key aspect of overcoming shame is surrounding ourselves with supportive and loving individuals who accept us for who we are. It’s about creating a safe space where we can be vulnerable and authentic, free from judgment and criticism. It’s about recognizing that we are worthy of love and belonging, regardless of our perceived flaws or shortcomings.

Shame is a Powerful Ugly Emotion that makes overcoming shame difficult for us to do. It requires us to be gentle with ourselves, to treat ourselves with the same kindness and compassion that we would offer to a friend in need. It’s about acknowledging our humanity, embracing our imperfections, and recognizing that we are deserving of love and acceptance just as we are.

So, if you find yourself trapped in the grip of shame, know that you are not alone. Reach out to those who love and support you, seek help from a therapist or counselor, and above all, be kind to yourself. Remember that shame thrives in darkness, but it loses its power in the light of self-love and acceptance. I have included a workbook that deals with feelings of shame and can help you move pass these haunting feelings that bond us to feelings of unworthiness. 

Shame/Depression Workbook

 right link workbook

Some of our greatest lessons result from experiencing shame if we are able to learn from the emotion. McKay, Greenberg, and Fanning illuminate the foundation of shame in defectiveness schemas; and the negative, automatic thoughts and coping mechanisms that accompany this behavioral pattern. They help readers recognize the thoughts associated with the experience of shame in defectiveness schemas, including hypersensitivity to criticism, blame, comparison, and rejection. Through facilitating the clarification of values and employing mindfulness practices, they guide readers to an awareness of the emotion and its accompanied sensations, thoughts, and urges —skillfully demonstrating an approach that leads to accepting feelings, having self-compassion, and responding in new ways.” —Mary Lamia, PhD, clinical psychologist, professor, and coauthor of The Upside of Shame “For anyone struggling with depression, McKay, Greenberg, and Fanning have combined in one amazing book the key to understanding your illness and the method of unlocking its grip on your life. The authors have created a step-by-step process to rewrite negative self-beliefs, change feelings of defectiveness, live a meaningful life, and develop self-compassion. Surely anyone who follows their guidance will experience a significant life improvement.” —Jeffrey C. Wood, PsyD, psychologist, and coauthor of The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook and The New Happiness “An incredibly powerful, well-written, and important book for addressing the feelings of inadequacy, defectiveness, shame, unlovability, and hopelessness that often come with depression. Using techniques from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), this workbook offers valuable strategies for addressing childhood wounds, rewriting your story, and moving toward individual values and goals. It gives readers a critical opportunity to change the way they see themselves—and to subsequently change their lives.”

—Rachel Zoffness, PhD, assistant clinical professor at the University of California, San Francisco; chair of the American Association of Pain Psychology; and author of The Pain Management Workbook and The Chronic Pain and Illness Workbook for Teens “At last, a book that brings light to what most clinicians intuitively understand: the relationship between shame and depression. The authors clarify the origins and maintenance of depression by identifying and deconstructing defective schemas. Complex concepts are conveyed clearly and illustrated through case studies. Exercises and worksheets prompt the client to identify triggers and to reframe thoughts. Psychotherapists and laypersons will find this book an essential tool in treating depression —Cynthia Boyd, PhD, forensic neuropsychologist in independent practice in La Jolla, CA “When someone has the belief that they are defective in some way, it can lead to a fear of getting close to others, often resulting in loneliness, depression, and shame. If you feel this way, you are not alone. This workbook will help you identify what is standing in the way of believing you are worthy of the love and acceptance that you deserve.” —Michelle Skeen, PsyD, author of Love Me, Don’t Leave Me; and coauthor of Just As You Are “Thoughts related to shame and ‘being defective’ affect a multitude of people; for many sufferers the tendency is to shut down, hide, isolate, disconnect from others, and stop living life. Who wants that? In this workbook, the authors introduce readers to skills derived from ACT to unpack these behaviors, stop being trapped by those narratives, and start living a fulfilling life. This is a workbook that is written in plain language, with lot of examples and specific skills to put into action. I highly recommend it!”

—Patricia E. Zurita Ona, PsyD, author of The ACT Workbook for Teens with OCD and Living Beyond OCD Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, director of the East Bay Behavior Therapy Center, and fellow of the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science

Publisher’s Note This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books Copyright © 2020 by Matthew McKay, Michael Jason Greenberg, and Patrick Fanning New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Avenue Oakland, CA 94609 www.newharbinger.com Cover design by Amy Shoup Acquired by Catharine Meyers Edited by Jennifer Eastman All Rights Reserved Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file

Contents

Chapter 1: Your Defectiveness Schema Chapter 2: Assessment Chapter 3: Defectiveness Coping Behaviors Chapter 4: From Avoidance to Acceptance Chapter 5: Mindfulness Chapter 6: Values Chapter 7: Defusion Chapter 8: Avoidance and Exposure Chapter 9: Facing Your Shame and Sadness Chapter 10: Self-Compassion Chapter 11: Relapse Prevention Appendix 1” Worksheets Appendix 2: Measures Appendix 3: A Hybrid ACT and Schema Therapy Protocol for the Treatment of Depression References

Chapter 1: Your Defectiveness Schema

If you’re reading this book, there is a good chance that feelings of defectiveness and depression have been a part of your life. You’ve been living with thoughts that you’re flawed somehow, unworthy of other people’s respect, and no one could ever care about you. It might feel as if you’ve been living your life behind a cold and abrasive mask. This mask is heavy and burdensome in its crude design. Its weight saps energy, motivation, and desire from your body. Behind the mask, you experience the world from your own portable prison, far removed from the experiences of love, admiration, and connection that seem natural and easy to those living a “normal” life. With its oppressive and isolating nature, this weight has inspired you to try to free yourself from its grasp. For a while, things might have seemed like they were looking up for you—starting a new relationship, getting a new job, achieving some success. But in the end, it was only a matter of time before pain, rejection, and failure reminded you once again why you wore the mask in the first place. And each time you see that happy couple, read that positive status update, or hear that cheerful reassurance—“Everyone feels sad at times” or “You just need to be positive”—you are reminded of how disconnected you are from the “normal” human experience. Perhaps it’s gotten to the point that you feel like nobody will ever truly love you. If this sounds like you, maybe you’ve already given up on ever feeling “normal,” and you have resigned yourself to a life of feeling unfulfilled, depressed, and alone. But maybe you’re reading this book because there is a part of you that wants to be freed from the crushing weight of depression. Maybe you picked up this book because you’ve decided it was time to approach your depression from a different perspective, and start your journey toward living a life of acceptance and empowerment, in which you can make decisions that are consistent with a life you value. If you have

come to the point in your life when you are no longer content with hiding behind the heavy mask of depression and defectiveness, this book is written for you. This book is different. It was written to teach you the techniques of mindfulness (the ability to nonjudgmentally notice your experience) and what is known, in acceptance and commitment therapy, as “defusion” (the ability to separate yourself from your thoughts and recognize your thoughts for what they are). Odds are that the thoughts that your depression and your sense of defectiveness generate in you are insistent and overwhelming. Mindfulness and defusion help you learn to look at those thoughts differently, so as to reduce their overwhelming nature and open space to act differently. This book will also teach you how to recognize your values, what really matters to you, as opposed to what defectiveness and depression tell you that you can or can’t do. And it guides you through exposure—a psychological intervention to reduce the depression, fear, shame, and anger that currently control and limit your behavior. Finally, it gives you concrete steps to engage in acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) values-based behavior, and it shows you how to develop a more detached observer self to replace self-defeating behaviors. In the following chapters, you will learn to utilize mindfulness, defusion, and exposure as a way to stand tall against the depression that has enslaved you to suffering. With your newfound resilience, you will apply personal, value-driven behaviors to regain control of your life and fortify yourself to whatever challenges the future may hold. Before you learn how to tackle your depressive symptoms, it is important to learn why your depression came along in the first place. In order to answer this question, you need to understand how one of the fundamental attributes to your development has created a script that colors every aspect of your perception. Perhaps without even knowing it, you have been wearing a tinted pair of glasses that changed the way you see yourself, others, and the world around you.

Schemas Much like the actors and actresses of movies and theatrical productions, we play out the acts of our lives by reading different scripts. From an early age,

we start composing our individual scripts based on the relationships and experiences we have in the world around us. Tasked with filling in the numerous blank pages of our character, we engage in the exploration of cause and effect, translating the feedback we receive from our parents, our peers, and the people we meet into core themes that continue to guide us throughout our development. Positive experiences often result in the development of a script of trust and self-confidence, and negative or traumatic events can damage our self-conception and our relationships with others. Either way, whether positive or negative, our scripts become the database for our behaviors, relationships, attachments, and motivations. During the development of your script, you were exposed to a negative or traumatic event that made you feel unlovable, broken, or rejected. Imagine what would happen if that negative event was used as a template for future events, behaviors, and relationships. According to the psychologist Jeffrey Young (Young et al., 2003), this is how people develop schemas. Schemas are powerful core beliefs and feelings that you accept and live by without question. From its conception, your schema has played a pivotal role in your navigation of the world, helping you make sense of it; it functions like an unspoken universal law for you. And all your schema needs to grow stronger and guide your behavior is a cue from your environment to play its part—some sort of stimulus in your environment that activates it. In these moments, your schema wields powerful control, bringing forth in you myriad fears, negative emotions, and dysfunctional thoughts, and making you feel, for instance, defective. Because it is integral to helping you make sense of the world, the schemas you develop will often remain throughout the course of your adult life. Your schema knows how to fight for its own survival, even if you get extensive therapy and have incredible life success. It is capable of guiding your behaviors, thoughts, and relationships in a way such that the end result always confirms its validity. Sometimes subtle in its effect, but powerful in its widespread application, your schema is incredibly resilient. Schemas have also been shown to be a significant contributor to depressive symptoms (McGinn et al., 2005). The particular schema you have is one called a “defectiveness schema.”

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